His Majesty’s Governor Northam, Duke of Blackface, and by consent of His Majesty the Governor of the Commonwealth of Virginia hereby issues this proclamation to the commoners of the Commonwealth.
For far too long, things have been allowed that all right-thinking subjects should have abhorred and repudiated. We, your intellectual, moral, and social superiors are now working most diligently to rectify the terrible oversights allowed by previous Governors and Governments.
As such, many additional legislations to control the weapons owned or to be owned by you, the peasantry, are now in work and progressing to my desk where I will sign them into law. These laws are for your benefit, as they will allow you to be more easily governed and your safety secured by the State.
It is most distressing, however, that you continue to resist these needed and benign efforts on your behalf. The nicknames of “Racist Ralph” and the low-class chatter of “Rectum Ralph” are most distressing to the finely tuned minds such as my own. How dare you have the temerity to continue to resist the actions of your betters, which are only in your best interest since we know far better than you what is best for you.
Accordingly, I am pleased to proclaim that His Majesty’s loyal subject Bourne, the Duke of Felching, has introduced into the assembly House Bill 1627 to outlaw all mockery, threats, or other hurtful words against any Governor, Governor-elect, or other leaders of this Commonwealth. I expect this bill to press on forthwith and reach my desk as expeditiously as possible so that we can heal the wounds of this Commonwealth by jailing and/or fining anyone who dares mock my most noble personage.